Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is an often misused term that means a lot of different things to different people. For some, anyone who seems to take an interest in another’s needs or attempts to help someone is called a co-dependent. This is a gross misuse of the term. Traditionally a co-dependent is someone who lives with an alcoholic or substance abuser and has become caught up in and is part of the chaos of the addiction. Some say that co-dependency is being addicted to the addict. Today the phrase co-dependency is also used to identify a similar pattern relationships with a non-substance abuser.

A co-dependent is defined here as a person with the tendency to live for others and to put others first at the co-dependent’s own expense. They can be very passive or very pushy and pugnacious. Co-dependents are often nice people with thoughtful motives, but they attempt to help by continually taking control of other’s lives and doing things that others really need to do themselves. Sometimes they are people who tend to go along with decisions or requests they do not agree with. They will also attempt to shield another from the negative consequences of that person's behaviors. While co-dependents do these things and take on responsibilities which are not really theirs to take, they often feel powerless and controlled by the ones they are being co-dependent to. In fact, co-dependents can think that there is nothing else they can do because if they don’t do whatever it is that they are doing, something terrible or feared will happen.

There are many films that show co-dependent relationships. Some were probably created without those who made the movies ever understanding that the relationships they were putting on the screen (usually love bonds) were dysfunctional and, in real life, would be unpleasant and strained. The movies selected below are not this way. Each reveals a different aspect of co-dependency.

The Films

BENNY AND JOON How can one be a co-dependent when the person he or she is helping has such a disabling condition that someone must take control? In exploring this we see a loving brother who has centered his life around the protection of his sister who has a severe mental disorder. But what happens when he cannot let go of some of that control, even if letting go will free him and give his sister a chance to grow? Granted, there are risks involved but we have to ask ourselves how much is too much. People who become co-dependent fear letting go, even a little bit sometimes because they want to prevent a disaster. The trouble is they experience another problem. 1993.
M.G.M-U.A. Home Video
Rated PG by M.P.A.A.



©Touchstone Pictures. All rights reserved.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN The classic co-dependent lives with an alcoholic. Andy is a classic co-dependent. He tolerated Meg’s drinking for years, minimizes how her addiction is impacting their children and has learned to rescue his wife whenever she goes too far. Finally, when she gets help for her drinking and enters recovery, a strain develops that never existed when she was drinking. Watch Andy and his reactions. How much does he understand that he is part of the problem and part of the solution? What must it feel like when his wife’s sobriety changes the way they have lived together for years? What doesn’t Andy see?
Touchstone Home Video.
Rated R for language and adult theme.

MOSQUITO COAST Here is a man obsessed with a quest, an idealized dream. His ambition is noble and his wife and children accompany him to a primitive region in another part of the world because they believe in him. He is a very capable, maybe even brilliant man, and when things begin to fall apart they continue to stand by him. In supporting her husband and not confronting him when he wants to hold on to his project after it has clearly failed, how is she failing her husband, herself and her children?
Warner Home Video.
Rated PG by MPAA.

BROADWAY DANNY ROSE  Being a co-dependent is a hard, frustrating way to live. A person not only fails to take care of his own needs but makes another person’s life his own and in doing so sets himself up for disappointment and hurt. While on the surface this film is a comedy, there is also something very important happening. In life, people who are co-dependents sometimes go to extremes and put themselves in impossible and ridiculous situations. As you follow Danny try to get into this man’s skin and understand what is really driving him.
Video Treasures.
Rated PG by MPAA..


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